This morning is the first time in 8 months that I’ve felt at home anywhere.
Really? This ghost…
-Ive slept 6 hours total since Monday.
-I can’t sleep.
-Throwing up with a big beard is a complete bitch as well as a contributing factor to my shaving it off this weekend.
-I bought a really offensive Christmas sweater and no one has looked at it close enough to realize its offensive.
-I’m cold and sweating.
-My new snare drum is bad ass…like really, it’s sounds so incredible.
-I come looking for you with Haitians, because fuck you.
-I’m so happy to be playing shows again.
-I ignore alot of people, usually unintentionally.
-LA? Yes. Next month.
-My puppy is better than yours. No really mines better.
-I love my family more than anything in this world.
Why in the hell am I wide awake at 6:30? I went to bed at 3.
When I was a very small child, 3 or 4 years old I used to sneak into my dads office and play with his keyboard, making it play beats, then hammering keys attempting to write melodies. I would strum his guitars trying to make them sing like he could. I would make up songs and belt them. Dad was never around when I did this. Hell, at best he was home once a week. I know why he was gone, I respect him for it. I’m not bitter in the least, but God I would have loved for him to be around for that. It would have meant so much to me. There’s nothing in this world that will keep me from being around my son when he’s young. I’ll be beside him to teach him how to use the instruments. I know he will grow up with the love of music and ridiculous work ethic my father passed on to me. I can’t wait to see what he will do with it.
"Marriage isn’t for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children. Who do you want to help you raise them? Who do you want to influence them? Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.”
No, a true marriage (and true love) is never about you. It’s about the person you love—their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams. Selfishness demands, “What’s in it for me?”, while Love asks, “What can I give?”
So I’ve been doing this thing where I’ve discontinued my alcohol, tobacco, and marijuana consumption and replaced it with diet and exercise. Stand by.
A few nights ago I had a very vivid dream. I was a father. I wasn’t much older than I am now. A few years older at most. I had a baby son. I can’t even begin to describe the love I felt for that child in the dream. It was like nothing else I’ve ever experienced. He was beautiful.